Self-Care For Carers: What They Never Tell You
Despite what social media says, self-care isn’t just bubble baths and pedicures.
I won’t lie - I used to think self-care was something you would schedule in once the chaos settles down.
But in reality, the chaos rarely settles.
When you’re caring for a loved one - especially a parent - the responsibility is constant. It changes your routines, your priorities, your relationships, your health. And somewhere in that shift, it becomes alarmingly easy to forget that you still matter too.
That’s not dramatic. It’s just the reality for many carers.
When You’re the One Holding the Whole System Together
My parents’ needs are complex and continuous. Just this year alone, my Mum has battled pressure sores and my stepdad has had a heart attack and a second stroke.
I work 40 hours a week and am in the middle of moving house. I take them to their appointments, manage their equipment needs and help Mum with the house admin. Sometimes I forget to eat dinner.
And the longer I have waited for a window of time to look after myself, the more I realised I’d have to carve it out. No one was handing me that time.
So What Is Self-Care When You’re a Carer?
Most of us don’t have the time, energy or money for yoga retreats or wellness weekends. The version of self-care we need is practical. Small. Unshiny.
It looks like:
Having one meal a day where you actually sit down
Saying “no” without guilt
Brushing your teeth before 2pm
Taking five minutes outside - even if you're just putting the bins out
It’s not glamorous. But it counts. Because every time you choose to meet one of your own needs, you remind your nervous system that you matter too.
What No One Prepares You For
They don’t tell you that you’ll be so tired, you’ll forget how to function. That you’ll snap at people you love. That you’ll feel deeply alone even with a support system around you.
And they certainly don’t tell you that your health - physical, emotional, psychological - is the foundation of everything else you’re doing.
I’ve had to learn that the hard way.
But here’s what I know now:
Looking after someone else doesn't mean forgetting that you matter too.
Practical Self-Care (When You Have No Time and No Energy)
Here are five things that have actually helped me over the past 3 years:
1. Have “default dinners”
Reduce decision fatigue. A couple of go-to meals that are so easy you can make them on autopilot.
2. Use “reset time”
Choose one non-negotiable reset in your day. 10 minutes of silence. A warm drink. Putting your phone down while you eat. Just one little pause you can rely on.
3. Write things down
When your head’s a whirlwind of appointments and prescriptions, even writing down your own name feels grounding.
4. Speak honestly (to someone safe)
You don’t need to “vent” - you just need to be seen. For me, I’ve chosen to have therapy 1-2 a month to allow me process everything that is going on.
5. Protect bedtime
Even if you’re still scrolling, being in bed signals closure. Choose a cut-off time and stick to it.
You Deserve to Stay in the Frame
It’s so easy to put off your own rest, needs, health, dreams… until things calm down.
But they might not calm down.
So instead, you anchor yourself in tiny ways. You refuse to disappear. You stay in the frame, even if all you can manage today is putting on your socks and eating a slice of toast.
For me, brushing my teeth once a day has so much more meaning than just dental hygiene. It’s a sign that I’ve factored myself in at least once.
If you’ve been waiting for permission to look after yourself - this is it.
Not because you’re weak. Not because you’re failing.
But because you are human and you deserve to be well too.
The care you give is incredible. But it doesn’t have to come at the cost of you.
So take the break.
Brush your teeth.
Leave the dishes.
Say no.
Say yes - to rest, to support, to remembering that you still exist in the story.
